Let that shit go

2026-07-15

I was treated poorly as a kid. Been through 7 years of therapy that kind of poorly, having suicidal thoughts as a third-grade student that kind of poorly, being chased down 5 floors with a belt in my dad’s hand that type of poorly, being forced to kneel in front of the whole building for several hours cuz I woke up my dad during his afternoon nap that type of poorly, being slut-shamed for wearing a tilted ponytail in sixth grade by my uncle that type of poorly. He said I looked like a hooker. I asked him what that meant. He answered, “Ask your dad about this, he knows better.”

It wasn’t until the first year of grad school, when I had a huge mental breakdown, that I realized they were crossing my boundaries all the time, with me having learned helplessness, too afraid to stand up for myself. They all have low self-esteem and are highly insecure, that’s why they always want to have power over others.

My parents have a strong preference for sons. Me being the middle child, having a younger brother and an older sister, being the family’s scapegoat for too long. My sister used to be the one that people could make fun of in the family; now that I was born, she thought she had power over me, could tell me how to live my life, even though I’m a much better person in all aspects. I internalized their criticisms, and feel like shit whenever I’m not the top in any aspect.

The worst thing about it is I couldn’t find anyone to talk about it. I was afraid of being looked down on by others. I was a timid kid.

The few “friends” that I talked to about this took advantage of me later, assuming that I wouldn’t stand up for myself cuz I was used to being taken advantage of. Luckily I cut all of them off.

I realized that I have power over my life. I can control who I talk to, what things I do every day, where I live. When I got my first job, that’s when I started to slowly detach from them.

I read many books, Conversations with God, The Power of Letting Go, The Power of Now, etc., etc. And manga, 能改变我的只有我自己. I realized that only I can help myself; the books, the meds were external.

As I can interpret what happened in the past in different ways, I’ll always pick the ones that can motivate me to do what I want to do. Always always look on the bright side. The past is in the past, they can’t affect me unless I allow them to. Thinking about the future could also be exhausting, I decide to live in the moment.

What happens right here, right now is for the best. Nothing is a problem unless I think of it as one.

Let that shit go, grow up. And I’ll always give a pat on my head because I deserve one.